Traffic jams are kinetic

by Mary Helen Sprecher
newsroom@baltimoreguide.com

It’s just no fun being stuck on the road behind a big bowl of Tater Tots.
Now, see, a non-Baltimorean is going to think that’s some kind of haz-mat spill. But city residents know better. They just make arrangements not to be out in traffic on Saturday, lest they get caught behind the Tots. Or the big French poodle. Or Bumpo the elephant. Or the Roman chariot, complete with its beehived steering committee.
Sounds like a job for the American Visionary Art Museum, hon.
Once again, the Kinetic Sculpture Race is returning. Rolling from South Baltimore into Southeast and back again, dodging obstacle courses, judges’ challenges and water hazards, and yeah, obstructing traffic along the way, the crazy man-powered vehicles will be back for an encore.

Team Fifi charges through the mud pit in Patterson Park.
Photo courtesy American Visionary Art Museum

“Saturday, May 3 marks the 10th annual running of the American Visionary Art Museum’s Kinetic Sculpture Race,” confirmed Pete Hilsee, AVAM’s public information officer.
There are, says Hilsee, a few of the new additions to the race this year (besides some of those mentioned previously).
“’Fiah Twuck,’ dispensing fire safety tips and ‘will generally be flame retardant,’ they say; ‘Running with Scissors,’ by a group of sarcastic parents and ‘Popemobile’ (the John Paul II version, not Benedict’s).” Hilsee adds that race enthusiasts can look for new twists on old favorites. Fifi the poodle, for example, “is getting in touch with her French pedigree, remade a la Marie Antoinette.”
The race begins around 8 a.m. at AVAM with safety checks of all the vehicles, and is expected to take off from Federal Hill around 10 a.m. From there, it’s anyone’s guess what the timing will be, but the general expectation is that for the next hour or so, vehicles will make their way through South Baltimore, including into the Federal Hill Park loop, down streets including Riverside, Fort and Lawrence, and along Key Highway past AVAM around the Inner Harbor, then out to Aliceanna Street and along to Boston Street to the Canton Waterfront Park.
Expect the water hazard action (the fatal downfall of non-seaworthy vehicles) to last until about 1:15 p.m., before vehicles move on to the obstacle course in Patterson Park. By late afternoon, vehicles should be on their way back to AVAM for dinner and the awards ceremony (tentatively scheduled for the 5 p.m.-6 p.m. bracket).
But good heavens, say AVAM officials. All times are approximate at best. And since road congestion, spectators and rubberneckers — as well as the occasional breakdown — can be expected, it would be in drivers’ best interests to avoid the relevant parts of the city.
Another twist this year (in a long line of twists) is that each vehicle will be carrying a special required passenger: the sock monkey.
(Don’t bother re-reading that sentence, by the way. Of course, those familiar with the workings of the Kinetic Sculpture Race — which gives first prize to the vehicle that arrives in the middle of the pack, and whose judges gratefully accept edible bribes —have probably just accepted it without blinking).
Hilsee, for one, is ready. In an e-mail describing race action, he notes, “This year, each of the hand-made psychologically-comforting sock creatures that each vehicle is required to have on board are to be dressed as Hobart Brown, the glorious founder of the original race in California. Hobart passed away in November. Soooooo, (AVAM’s crew members who are driving Bumpo the elephant) are now dressing up our pantyhose Gandhi (who sits atop Bumpo) as Hobart: top hat, overalls, etc. Just another day on the job here at AVAM.”
Those who want more details on the race, including rules, a map and a gallery of photos from previous years, can go to www.KineticBaltimore.com.
Inspired to build a vehicle, but just don’t have time to create it? The AVAM staff is accomodating enough to let slip that next year’s race will be held May 2, 2009.
And for those who get stuck in traffic behind an enormous bowl with a sign on it reading, “Nice Tots,” well, don’t say you weren’t warned.